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I was sitting comfortably in the sun with my nose firmly embedded in my book riding a train back to Kyoto from Osaka The seats around me were sparsely populated and the monotonous hum combined with the occasional sounds of crossing bells was hypnotic. The adventure of Errol Flynn had once again drawn me in (My Wicked Wicked Ways: The Autobiography of Errol Flynn
After 5 years of living in Japan I had become comfortable, the things around me familiar, and my life had come to some sort of balance but in a few months time all of that would change. Everything that I had gotten to know would be left behind me. My daily routine would change. I would no longer be able to go places knowing what the outcome would be. The coffee shops that I used for study havens, gone. The restaurants and bars that knew my name, gone. The places I go when I want to think, gone. My friends, gone but for the few emails we would exchange on occasion. My girlfriend, gone. Those thoughts rocked me one after another as I sat staring out the window at the sun gently resting on the mountains.
I can’t fully explain the feelings I had. Those of you who have experienced them will know what I am saying. Those of you who have never stepped out of your comfort zone won’t. On one hand I was leaving everything I knew but on the other hand I was opening myself to something new.
Yes it would hurt, I thought to myself. Yes it would be tough and take time to recover but it is for the best. Otherwise, why would I do it? I don’t consider myself a masochist (unless you count the joy I get out of martial arts), or a sadist for that matter. It would be hard for those around me as well, but that is life.
I hate to be cliche but life is like a river, always flowing. If you try and dam it up and there are always consequences. The best is to move with it and realize that what is today might not be tomorrow but that at some time in the future it may be similar.
The pangs of pain in my heart began to subside only to be replaced by a growing feeling of excitement and wonder. I know pretty much what will happen today, tomorrow, and next week, barring any big surprises, but once I’m out there on the road… I might be losing a lot when I leave here but I will also be gaining a lot.
This was not the first time I had been hit by such thoughts. As the date of my departure looms larger and larger they come more and more but instead of acting as a force to keep me here they serve to reinforce my decision. All the wonderful experiences I have had and the memories I have made (good and bad) are a part of me just as the ones I will have and make on my trip will be. It is a mantra that I must repeat to myself over and over to stay strong.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and then let it out. The tension of the moment had passed bringing with it a new strength. I returned to my book, the story of another man who had had interesting adventures and lived a full life, a man who I wished to emulate (at least in part).
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