I think I understand now how those people who are trying to fill a void within themselves feel. It’s like a vacuum sucking you forwards, a puppet master pulling your strings, the sirens call luring your ship and all its crew to the rocky shore. Today as I stood on a raised mezzanine looking out over Tokyo I felt something that I can’t quite describe but that I need to think on. I know these statements are a radical departure from my other posts and my current feelings might have something to do with the 2 all nighters I just pulled but an important lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes you have the most profound and accurate insights when you are at your limit.
Why am I on this trip? Why am I scrambling like a madman from place to place? What is the purpose of it all? These questions and many more have all scrambled to the forefront of my mind as I’ve wandered around Tokyo this last week (I know my normal blog is a little behind…). Something about this city feels familiar/comfortable and it’s a welcome break that’s given me breathing space to think after the last two months of mania.
I can spew a string of words to answer anyone who asks those questions of me and everything sounds legitimate but at moments like these when my head is dizzy tired I have an urge to look closer at my motives. Am I traveling just because? Am I traveling to avoid something? Am I traveling to find something? What are my reasons?
To some this might sound like a low moment, possibly a bit of depression and self-doubt, but I feel it is a time of genuine reflection. When all your barriers and blocks are down with no energy to maintain them you can’t deceive yourself any more. You can either take the opportunity, use it to evaluate things and propel yourself forward, or ignore it.
What do I want from life? Another tough question and intimately related to the ones I asked a few paragraphs up. I’ve been asking that since I first filled out applications for college more then ten years ago. Some people know deep down and from the start the answer to that question. Others pick it up on the fly and figure things out as they go. Still others never bother to ask and end up floating like a cork on the sear. Which one am I? I’m not in the first category, I hope I’m in the second category, and I’m scared that I might be in the third.
Too frank, too honest, too open? Do you think these are thoughts and feelings that I should keep to myself and only be written in a private diary? Some of you (hopefully many) have been with me since the start of this journey. You’ve seen me go through a lot of things, from trying to hike 40km through the pouring rain to sitting on the shore of a gorgeous caldera lake. My descriptions have only been from the outside mainly because I never have the time to describe them from the inside. Now that I have some time I’m playing catch up. Besides, I’d discuss these things with a stranger over coffee if they were up for it.
Something about this city has really made me think and my current physical condition has only intensified the affect. To be honest my heads spinning a bit and a lot of my goals have been forgotten or put off. I can’t focus on the ‘now.’ My thoughts keep wandering off down the timeline, 5, 10, 20 years from now. Time is precious and I can’t go about wasting it like I was 16.
My trip is far from done. There are months of strange new places and thousands of kilometers ahead of me. Tearing myself away from Tokyo and all my good friends here is going to be a small piece of hell, though nothing compared to what it’s going to be like when I board a plane/boat to leave Japan possibly for good. Even though I know it needs to be done I dread what is to come but like my old high school cross-country coach used to always yell at us, ‘Run through the pain, feel the burn, it will make you stronger and faster.’
Related posts:
