These last 2 weeks have been one thing after another; money stolen from my bag on Koh Rong Island in Cambodia and from influenza to another sickness which required minor surgery. My trip, you could say, has gone slightly pear shaped. These events couldn’t have come at a worse time. Had they happened at the beginning I would have surmounted them and used them as a springboard like I did the other challenges which presented themselves then. However, now as my bank account dwindles and the draw to begin working on other goals becomes stronger I have to wonder if they are a sign.
I’ve been here a week in Trat, Thailand and I have to say that today might be the first fully lucid day I’ve had, minus the numerous drugs coursing through my system. It’s been fever, hospital visits, and even a bit of surgery. I was planning to stay in this town just a couple days, maybe see nearby Koh Kong Island and its beautiful waterfalls by motorbike but things didn’t turn out the way I expected. Life felt that after 6 months of smooth sailing it was time to throw a few curve balls.
As I mentioned in my last post, Comfort Food, this has been a time of great learning for me. I’ve figured out a few things about myself that up until know hadn’t been clear to me. The little bit of hell I’ve lived through has been an overall good thing for me but it has also brought into sharp focus the need to make a decision, and soon.
That decision is what to do next. I don’t mean in that philosophical sense or the ‘so son, what do you want to be when you grow up,’ but in that down to earth, I’m running low on money and I can do what I want to do but…
Though there are many options open to me I’ve narrowed it down to two. They are: book a flight home and use the resources I have left to get started on the next stage in my life or continue on to Nepal and see what happens.
It seems like a cut and dry type of decision, right? I can figure out what most of you would do without much thought but for me things are a bit more difficult. To me, heading home seems like giving up.
Giving up you ask? After 6 months of trotting around Southeast Asia kicking ass you really think heading home now would be giving up? You’ve done so much, seen so much, met so many people, aren’t you satisfied?
I don’t really have an answer to that question. Satisfied? Maybe… Do I want more? Hell yes (I think…). Do I see the current situation as a challenge that can be overcome? Yes.
The problem isn’t heading home. It isn’t the suddenness of the situation. What has my mind turning cycles like a well used lathe is the motive. Why am I making this decision?
For me it’s always the ‘why’ of an action that I look at. Why a person does this, why a person does that. Many people say I think too much and that I should just leave things at face value, but that’s not me.
If I were to leave for the wrong reason I would look back on my decision with regret. Like most people I have some regrets in my life and this is not one of those things I wish to have those feelings about. This trip was supposed to be my climax of living in Southeast Asia, my opus of this part of my life. If it ends with a fizzle then what was the point (though surgery in this part of the world doesn’t seem like a fizzle, lol)?
Then again if I head to Nepal it’s a completely different set of unknowns, a set of unknowns that appeal to me quite a bit. I would be in Nepal pretty much broke with the challenge of figuring out how to make money and get back to the U.S.
I’ve noticed that recently as my bank account has dwindled I’ve been a heck of a lot more resourceful as well as productive. I’ve researched ways to make money, I’ve pounded out article after article, I’ve searched for ways to sell my photography, all because I needed a bit more cash to make the Nepal dream come true. Bit by bit I was edging closer and closer to my goal using my newfound energy.
Then I had money stolen and got sick. It felt like someone had taken an ax to my tree and chopped a huge chunk out. My goal was now twice as far away and I had half as much time to get there and I had only a fraction of the energy necessary to get it done.
That brought me to my current situation of having to make a decision and soon as to what to do next.
Go home, go to Nepal, which will I do? Will I be able to align my feelings and motives correctly with the decision I make? Either way things will happen. Stay tuned for what happens…